so if you find yourself with nothing to do on halloween, my band is playing at egans in tuscaloosa, along with 2 other bands.

james spann and the suspenders (we even have a new song!)
mansfield
the universe

10 pm

it's always free

hope to see you there. costume contest, beers, AND fun times?! how could you not come?

tonight's show was incredible. there are no words to explain how amazing it was. it went off without a hitch, first off, but the energy from both us and the crowd together was enough to make me feel like i was really apart of something special. the compliments i got after the show were not only flattering, but extremely unexpected. thank you so much to everyone that supported us, came out, had never even heard of us, or was there in spirit. tonight was one of the greatest moments i've ever experienced. thanks to our dj (bin rockin), our backup dancers (the suspenderettes), john bigham (our santa claus), and thanks to kevin to being a hilarious band-mate.

i obviously can't sleep. i've been sick for so long, then going from that to the overpowering energy i experienced tonight, i feel like i've been drinking coffee for a week straight. well i guess i feel that way, i really hate coffee. anyway, so i decided to go driving about an hour ago. i don't have much time left here and i used to do it all the time to clear my head. so i drove around, listening to music, and sorting out my time here in tuscaloosa. i can't believe an era is about to come to an end. it does not feel like i have been here for 5 years. just in the past year, i finally feel like i found my place in this town, and now i have to leave. at least i found it, right? i've grown so much here. i've changed so much. i'm not who i used to be and i feel so good about that.

the song "little bit of you in everything" by the rentals came on and i just put it on repeat. that song makes me happier than any other. just listening to it inspired this blog. it made me really think about how much i appreciate what this town has done for me. i can't imagine my life without the people i've met here. my best friend is wayne, you all know that. i met him here and through him, he's been the main influence on my change. he's such an amazing person and he's opened my eyes to things about myself that weren't that great. he also pointed out things that were really good that i should be proud of. in other words, i'd never had a friend like him before and i can't thank whoever is responsible for the meaning of life enough for him. i will miss him so much it makes physically ill to think about it. so i won't right now.

i found a place where i can be myself. i can listen to good music, bands that don't play covers, and make friends with people who are similar to me. egans has been a catalyst for helping me overcome my shyness. long story short, i would never have gone to the bar by myself a year ago. after a certain breakup, i sucked it up and decided i needed to go out and make some friends. and i did and i never looked back. now i had been going to egans for years and was a regular for a while, but not like i am now. it's not about drinking to me. in fact, normally i would only have a couple beers or three and that is not enough to make me drunk. this is my cheers. my place to meet up with friends to talk, play darts, dance on those few dance party occasions, listen to good music, and just have a place to go and know you won't be judged (well, maybe, but whatevs). anyway, so i have that place in my life now that i can go and never feel awkward.

i have learned these things during my time in tuscaloosa:

1) i have only been truly in love once in my life and it was NOT in this town.
2) i am capable of making friends on my own, by myself, with a little friendliness and a smile.
3) i can be creatively apart of something that has made a mark.
4) you better get the fuck out of egans at 1:45.
5) friends really will be there for you when you need them, contrary to popular belief.
6) i can actually sing and am no longer afraid to.
7) i can be outgoing and friendly all the time, not just around people i know.
8) i have developed a habit of calling people, "sweetie."
9) it's probably not a good idea to form crushes on the really hot tall guys that come in egans.
10) there is some really amazing talent in this town. baak gwai being the first band that not only proved this to me, but who were some of the coolest and dearest friends i'd met.
11) you can never own too much vinyl.
12) don't be afraid to wear your vintage dresses out.
13) barbeque nachos should be a weekly thing.
14) city cafe mondays are dear to my heart.
15) i never thought an apartment could feel so much like home.
16) teaching art at a low income school is so rewarding.
17) bethany hates techno.
18) never argue with ashley hill. ever. srsly.
19) the park by the river will always feel like this little surprise i found the first week i was here.
20) the ceiling of the bama theater is stunning and mesmerizing.
21) i hate that i got here too late to fully appreciate the chukker.
22) i am happy that i experienced the awesomeness of michael's and bama karaoke.
23) i can be captain of an intramural bowling team and have to forfeit the finals.
24) i can meet some of the cutest, most interesting guys right in this very town. dating them is a different story. :)
25) i can meet some of the most beautiful and fashionable girls in the world and become fast friends with them.
26) i can only wish i had done all the million things i should have done while here, but hey, my time is up.
27) i can go to the movies with a little help from my friend the grinch and have the best time ever.
28) i can buy back my childhood and not feel bad about it.
29) i can meet all the horror greats and get an autograph from freddy krueger himself.
30) i can leave this town knowing that i've given it my all and i've gotten more than i could ever ask for from it.

i love you tuscaloosa, i really do. i'm going to miss you so so much.

so this is a list of the horror movies i have accumulated lately and have yet to watch. if you have seen any and want to give me a thumbs up or down, feel free.

the night brings charlie
the last slumber party
pledge night
blood tracks
the prey
the video dead
rest in pieces
to all a goodnight
the outing
student bodies
frightmare
the majorettes
hard to die
berserker
maniac
rocktober blood
pigs
the horror show
hollywood scream queen hot tub party

i feel unbelievably lazy as of late. even moreso than i have been. i'm not sure what has gotten into me, but i just don't want to do anything. at all. i feel so unproductive and as if i'm wasting away. something has to give, that's for sure. i guess i'm in that mindset that nothing i do will make me happy, ultimately leaving me in the funk of just not doing anything at all. make sense? probably not.

the halloween season has been interesting so far. wednesday night i'll be retiring the jem costume. that will not be truly outrageous.

caseypaloozafest '07 is in a little less than 2 weeks! woo!

i've officially met all the 80's horror icons. kane hodder, gunner hanson, dick warlock, doug bradley, and finally, ROBERT ENGLUND! meeting the real freddy was an experience like no other. we paid a pretty penny for an autograph, but he chatted with wayne and i like we were old friends. he put wayne's glove on (which is very much like the original, not something you can just buy in the store). robert was so impressed with it that he acted like he was slicing people up with it and did the thing with the blades that he always does in the movies. he used it in both of our photographs. priceless, simply priceless.

oh and the autograph i had him do special for me is of course a line from the first movie (if you are a true fan, then you would already know that i'm sure). so yay! freddy is my new boyfriend. be jealous fellas.

i'm not dead, i swear. or maybe i am dead and this is all a bad dream. yeah, i'm gonna go with that.

singing tomorrow night with a friend's band. yeaaaaaaaaah, we'll see how that goes. especially since i'm getting over being really sick for the past 2 weeks. my voice sounds like the shittiest of shit.

maybe i'm really boring because i have nothing to really update with. sorry. not that i think that anyone was glued to their computer screen waiting for interesting details from my oh-so-interesting and fabulous life.

oh, i am meeting robert englund this sunday. rock on.

it's official. he's an asshole.

i feel overwhelmed across the board. i'm overwhelmed because i start teaching tomorrow. classes are piling up. my first certification test is this saturday. i still need to sign up to graduate in the spring. i need to get my student teaching transferred to tuscaloosa if possible. i need to transfer my art history credits. i need to clean my apartment. i need to workout. i need to call people i haven't talked to in ages. i need to create some type of art to reconnect myself to being an artist. i need to breathe. i have to figure out where i want to live next year. student loans interest is making my head hurt. i'm lonely in a way i can't put my finger on. i'm overwhelmed because my life feels like a complete mess and i'm not sure how to clean it up.

my emotions have turned to anger and resentment toward him. either he isn't into confrontation or is never planning on telling me the truth. all i ever asked was for honesty and all i've gotten is silence. i guess i was just the girl he dated to get over someone else, out of boredom, or to make himself feel better about himself because he found someone that cared about him so much that he didn't have to try at all. the fact that he is already seeing someone else keeps me up at night. going over all the details in my head about "what is wrong with me." thing is, i know nothing is wrong with me. how can i not take this personally though, you know? everything he told me about why we broke up, about wanting to build a "positive" friendship that would just make his life sooooo much better, about "i'm not ready for a relationship," is all bullshit i guess. does that make everything that happened before the breakup bullshit too? like telling me he loved me? i guess that qualifies. i don't care anymore about writing it in a blog. he doesn't read what i write. it's not like anyone is affected by this other than myself, so give me the fucking freedom to say what i want, cause it's pretty fucking obvious that it's not affecting him.

relationships and responsibilites are the bane of my existence.

previous post is now friends only.

i so eloquently told him how i feel/felt/probably will feel.

i felt the blank stare burning into my soul.

this. this is what keeps me up at night.

am i fucking invisible? jesus.

i find myself becoming more and more engulfed in an existentialist outlook on life. looking at the past, the present, and worrying about my future through a clouded bitter attitude has significantly marred my ability to see hope in what is to come. i want to wash myself of thoughts and emotions that could potentially cause myself harm, in favor of an attitude that welcomes change and looks forward to the step ahead. but what of this new step? i find myself condemning it before it is even made. i have scared myself into thinking that i may never find true meaning through happiness, but is this where i should find my meaning? should i really be looking for the things that make me happy or affect my psychological state as what determines my inner peace?

the existentialist point of view looks at death as the all encompassing end of humanity. if all existence ends in death, what is really the point? what are we building up to? what do we do in the mean time? what if its the wrong thing? what if i take the wrong path? what if i've missed my path, because i was temporarily blinded by another? existentialists struggle with finding that moment to just let ourselves "be." to exist with meaning, to make our lives livable, enjoyable, worthwhile. it takes courage to look past the inevitable and create a way to make our lives have purpose.

i fear that my purpose is waning. however, was i ever really aware of what it was? how do you know what you are supposed to do in life? to exist, to be happy, to be content? how do we know that what may seemingly make us content in this moment will not turn on us in the next?

i am on a mission to figure out myself. i've let others walk all over me my entire life and i have decided this can happen no more. i may have exhibited a nihilistic and defeatist attitude towards life, especially relationships, over the past few years, but it is time to make a change. a change that hopefully will assist me in finding this meaning, this purpose, this sense of contentment i have been missing so long. i can no longer sit idly by and watch my life become dormant because i am too fucking sad or miserable to pick myself up off of this broken floor i lie on. i want to feel like me again. i want people to be able to tell that i am myself again. i don't want to do this for anyone, but me.

Biswanger talks about the three different ways that humans understand their existance and experiences: umwelt, mitwelt, and elgenwelt. umwelt basically deals with sensation. mitwelt is how we place ourselves in social situations, surroundings, and with other people. elgenwelt is the more introspective part of understanding our experience. these are the ways we consciously live our lives. interesting, isn't it? i believe that breaking down who we are by examining ourselves through these three components could be quite beneficial for figuring out our inner self. i've never been quite friends with my inner self, but i am damned determined to befriend myself. love myself and be who i was meant to be.

i must say that one of my favorite quotes by an existentialist is by kierkegaard. he said...

"In addition to my other numerous acquaintances, I have one more intimate confidant. . . . My depression is the most faithful mistress I have known- no wonder, then, that I return the love."

can you believe that i had an epiphany while watching a crappy show on mtv? while perusing the channels, i found nothing on. apparently the new season of "the hills" was on. for those not in the know, it's a show filled with dramatic, whiney, rich bitches that has no real point. alas, in my depressed state, i started to watch while eating my lunch. then one of the girls said something that completely changed everything. i couldn't believe what i was hearing. was this wisdom? something i could use in my situation? i was intrigued. the girl said something to the effect of...

"every girl wants to be the girl that the guy she loves really falls in love with. she wants to be the one to change him and make him want to fully be in the relationship." and the other girl in the scene says "well, shouldn't you want to be with someone that you don't have to hope will see you "in that way?" that he will just feel that way?" and the other girl says, "that would be too easy."

everyone tells me i fall for the wrong guys. praytell, please tell me how to fall for the right guys. i cannot tell you how done i am with opening myself up. how done i am hoping that the person that opens himself to me won't change his mind. it always happens and i'm always let down. this time it happened so quickly. he told me he loved me, that he hadn't felt this way in many years. i feel more like a fling now. a person who is expendable and all used up. my emotions and loving deeds, swept under the rug with all my good intentions. my heart was huge and full of love and now it's broken and unneeded.

i'm always the filler girl. the girl the guy dates while he's waiting for the real thing to come along. it's happened every time. i'm never "the one" or the one a guy truly falls in love with. i'm an enigma and a distraction. a convenience and an excuse to fill a lonely saturday night.

the question comes when you stop letting yourself be the doormat. when you finally see the footprints on your back, the healing scars on your heart. when does the time come when you pick yourself up off the floor and forget that love exists. i've been a cynic for so long. a pessimist. jaded. these things don't happen for no reason. i'm tired of opening up and being vulnerable. i feel like a fool for admitting my true self. i feel like a fool for wanting someone that doesn't even want to spend time with me. i feel stupid for letting myself get to that point again. where i've lost my guard, i've lost that small dignity i have.

i can't say it enough. i've never completely loved myself and i'm not sure it is even possible. on deep levels i'm forever tainted. but i want to love myself. i'm the most important person in my life and always will be. people always say you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. i don't know if it's that i don't love myself, but i'm constantly disappointed with the obstacles that constantly interrupt my life. i'm not happy with anything. i don't really know if it's me, but it's just merely the way of things. i hope that one day this will change, but for now, i'm changing into the thick skin i was advised to wear. thanks for helping it fit so well.

"if i keep holding my breath i'm going to disappear"

this is how i feel.

waiting.

waiting.

i have been more patient lately than i may have ever been.

i hope this doesn't go unnoticed.

the plan last night was to go dancing at michael's. the one place in town where you don't have to worry about people judging you, you can just have a great time. anyway, drinking and dancing was the plan. i was going to try and drown my sorrows in a loud room. so we went to egan's before hand for a few drinks and found out the news. michael's is CLOSED! how could this happen?! ironically, another michael i held dear was taken away from me. two in two days is far too many for me. so we decided to stick around egans, drank some hoegaarden, watched the band that played. i should have been having a great time, but i wasn't. on the surface i was, but deep down i felt anxious and terrible. i guess that is what is supposed to happen.

so i wake up, feeling sick from drinking, and i start panicking. (is that even how you spell that word?) it's finally sinking in what has happened. i thought it had the day before, but oh no, this was that feeling that you get in your bones, in every particle of your being that you are no longer a part of something that you loved. i realized that i don't think it's the alcohol that is making me physically ill. i know i sound so doom and gloom and depressing. i got a message from someone telling me that i'm young and i shouldn't be sad, i should be out having the time of my life. why do these people never seem to get it?! why is it so fucking easy for everyone else to just move on, forget it, detach, remove themselves. why have i been cursed with keeping myself so close to the pain.

so many things i want to know.

i found absolutely nothing that will take my mind off of things. i feel anxious and empty and find pleasure in nothing. i know this is the way it will be for a while, but it's been so long since i've gone through this. don't you hate it when you find someone that is your picture of your perfect match, then it's just, over. how can i not be pessimistic and cynical in regards to this? how can i not take it personally to some degree? i was fine last night after talking to him again. well as fine as i can be. but today, when my eyes opened from sleep, the realization was made and i felt so alone. what hurts the most is that i know i did nothing wrong. i know that this doesn't directly have anything to do with me. it doesn't make it easier. it doesn't make me fully understand it. i cling to what little hope i allow myself to bear and hope that he sees he's made a mistake. it's so frustrating having to deal with something that you can do nothing about. you cannot change it or make it any better. you've shown them all the good you have in you and still, it doesn't change a thing. my heart is heavy because i opened myself up to this new possibility and the door was shut so quickly. more quickly than i could ever have expected. the new rush of love and the destruction of it's presence are all gone within such a short time. if he only knew how much i opened up to him. in a way i'd never done so quickly and so uninhibited wth anyone else. my hope is there, but i can't let it show. i'm crushed in ways that i didn't realize til now. i do love him. i just can't tell him anymore.

last night when i heard the trains that come through tuscaloosa so often it's insane. i thought of the many times of falling asleep at his house, which was near the train tracks. and i thought how sad. that even the sound of the train reminds me of the way the sound would rattle the window panes in his place. *sigh* i wish i could detach myself from feeling this.

and just let it be known that i care for his happiness deeply and respect his decision. i want to be his friend and be there for him, despite what i am feeling. i'm not trying to be selfish. i am merely being human.

and as quickly as it began, it is over.

i'm devastated.

if you haven't seen the trailer for michael gondry's latest film, "be kind rewind", then you must check it out. i had to put it on here because it's brilliant. i love his work. then again, i have a thing for jack black, too.



and if you know me at all, you all know i love ryan reynolds. love love love him. this is the trailer for his new movie called "the nines." yeah, it's another movie about repeating numbers, but its RYAN REYNOLDS. he could stand in front of a camera in a garbage bag for 8 hours and i would watch that. it actually looks interesting aesthetically. did i mention he has a beard again? but yeah, it looks better than "the number 23" and i never saw that. that's because there was no RYAN REYNOLDS. ok, i've calmed down now.



i have faith in you rob zombie. make "halloween" amazing. i know you can.



god bless horror movies. god bless that violin string sound in horror movies. god bless silly "make fun of yourself" good old fashioned horror. i present to you "trick 'r treat."

>

OK ONE MORE I PROMISE. who knew that ethan hawke could write and direct a movie that actually looks good. an indie flick in the style of garden state. just give it a chance. it's called "the hottest state."

school is starting soon. teaching is starting soon. my last year before i become a teacher for good. mixed emotions and anxieties. another photography class that will eat up all my time. not ready yet. just not ready.

i'm about to start another painting and doing more polaroid transfers. i have been far too lazy this summer and have done nothing creative at all. i have even been meaning to make curtains out of a set of popples sheets i bought at a thrift store months ago. so many things i should be doing right now.

i'm in love with the most amazing guy. something about him last night... he was more attractive to me than he's ever been. is it my feelings getting stronger? the hot new glasses he was wearing? just the sheer fact that he is irresistable? ah who knows, but it's a good feeling.

i couldn't hold it in anymore. not today.

i can only be strong for so long.

i never realized until recently that i am unknowingly passive aggresive at times. i say something off-handedly, hoping the person the information was intended for catches wind of it somehow, happens to maybe read it on a webpage. i wonder sometimes if these things work. do people like me quietly read, quietly listen for small bits of information, hoping that someone else is sending them to you as well? i wonder if the person ever really understands. it's the same thing i do with songs. i play a song, hoping you will catch on. hoping you will understand what i'm feeling. this can get confusing, especially with the variety of things in the world, but for one moment can't the message be clear? i've done these things with both boyfriends and friends. i think only a fraction have caught on. how is one supposed to know something is directed at them? this in lies the core of my problem. when i have difficulty forming words to express myself, i put something else out into the world that hopefully can do it for me. if the person doesn't find it, then i feel defeated, but how are they supposed to know? i guess i've always been in the mindset that if someone really cared for me, really liked me, they would want to read what i have to say. they would want to look for the signs. listen between the lines. see a look in my eyes. i know this seems ridiculous. maybe people aren't built like me. constantly wondering. hoping. waiting. overanalyzing. it is what i get for being a romantic, a detective, an intensely loyal friend and/or lover, and sensitive.